Deborah's story

by Deborah Smyth

I don't really have any secrets.  When I was drinking underage, people knew.  When I did drugs that harmed my body & mind, only to cover the dark shame of what had been done to my body and mind by others, people knew.

When I met my ego and began out of wedlock relations (I fell in love with a man I barely knew) our unrestrained lifestyle resulted in a child.  He gave me a choice, him or the baby.  I chose my unborn child.

The doctors, who knew my history of Endometriosis and Poly cystic ovaries, told me to terminate the pregnancy.  I went to another doctor for a second opinion.  The answer was the same, to terminate my pregnancy.  I went to 7 doctors, the 7th was a Surgeon (Dr. Jack Peck) who had done multiple major abdominal operations on me.  He confirmed I was never to have a child, called me "barren" and told me that I needed to have the abortion.

So there I was, 19 years of age and it's between me and God.  I knew that it was a private choice and there were all these rights in the 80's that everyone talked of.  Most of the girls I knew had them.  But this was different.  It was MY pregnancy and I knew that it was going to be one as a single parent.

I loved that man, foolishly with all my heart, thinking that it would be mutual.  After all he loved me too.  After all, he told me so.  I believed that God would not allow a barren woman to conceive a child, and then want it terminated.  That confused me so when I went home that night, alone.  I prayed... from my soul, a broken hearted 19 year old girl wept out to Jesus in prayer.  I was on my back with my hands over my uterus and I asked God for a sign because ever fiber of my being wanted this baby.  I just wanted him to have life, or at least a chance at it.  My ears even filled with tears as I wept, crying out to God... and my stomach bumped up about 5 inches.  It was then I knew that He wanted me to keep my baby.

That was 1986 and a whole lot of life has happened since then. Every single time I cried out to God from the depths of my soul, He was there and He always answered my prayers. God was faithful (even if I wasn't) on a journey that has lasted several decades. ONLY with God, could I have survived.

I have no secrets really.  All my mistakes are out loud and people even embellish on some of them to make it a "better" story.  Well here it is.  God knows the truth.  And what ever you are facing right now, today... God is there for you too.  I am not perfect, and yet I am perfectly loved -- with all my scars, past full of mistakes.  All I can do is thank the Creator of heaven and earth, for the gift of life.  In the spring of 1987 I gave birth to a son and now, more than thirty years later, I get to love and adore each one of my incredibly beautiful grandchildren.  God is Good, even when we are not.

So now that I have found Peace in Jesus, I don't want that to be a secret either.  It doesn't matter what you have done.  What does matter is right now.  Give yourself the gift of forgiveness, just for the health of it.  And may the peace that comes from Jesus be with you this season.